Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
