you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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