Sry I called you an 8
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
