I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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