so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
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