Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I need to stop coming to work sober
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
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