OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
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