Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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