his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
