I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
The struggles of a small town man whore
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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