I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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