I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
