I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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