i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
