My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
