You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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