She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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