My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
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