the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
