i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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