he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
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