There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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