Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Randomize
