I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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