I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
