One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
