How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
