my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
