Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
