I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
