Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Two words: nipple clamps
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