Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
