We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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