I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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