the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Randomize
