how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Randomize
