You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
