so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Randomize
