My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
