Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
