He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Randomize
