I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
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