i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
