My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
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Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
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You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize