Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
