remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
