Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
It was confusing and full of hummus
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
