she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
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