There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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