Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Randomize
