I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
