i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
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The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
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I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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