so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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